


I'm Okay

by TreatyWrites



Category: DCU, DCU (Comics)
Genre: Depressed Dick Grayson, Negative Self Talk, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Threats of Rape/Non-Con, mentions of cutting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-06
Updated: 2020-01-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:27:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22144858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TreatyWrites/pseuds/TreatyWrites
Summary: “I’m okay.”That was the foundation on which Dick Grayson lived on. Those two words were the most frequently used words he said. But Dick Grayson was a burning candle he was burning from both ends, he was breaking, falling apart, deeper and deeper into the darkness.And no one noticed.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 187





	I'm Okay

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, this is a bit of a darker fanfic and if you are sensitive to these topics please do not read. Depression is not a topic to be taken lightly and I try to address it with a seriousness that does it justice. If you do have depression or negative thoughts please seek professional help because your well being is important and even if it doesn't seem like it you are loved and supported. As someone who reads fanfics frequently know that every work you read is completed. I do take requests and suggestions on how to improve my writing skills. A Warning: this is not as straight forward as some of my other fics so you might have to use your brain just a bit. Feel free to comment on what you think, and once again if you have any writing prompts you want to read throw them at me because I'll be happy to write them. Thank you for reading this fic and I hope you have a wonderful morning, afternoon, and/or evening.

“I’m okay.”  
That was the foundation on which Dick Grayson lived on. Those two words were the most frequently used words he said.  
He said ‘I’m okay’ when he was beaten within inches of his life.  
He said ‘I’m okay’ when Slade kidnapped him and forced him to do awful things.  
He said ‘I’m okay’ when Jason died, same for Wally, Bruce, Damian, Tim.  
He said ‘I’m okay’ when Blockbuster blew up his house  
He said ‘I’m okay when Mirage raped him, when Tarantula raped him.  
He would say those words until he was blue in the face, because he had to. That was who he was. Dick Grayson was emotional, but he wasn’t that ugly emotional person, the one who showed depression and sadness, no he was supposed to be happy and funny. He was supposed to remain calm, strong, when shit hit the fan. Everyone wanted something from him.  
Tim wanted support, so he gave him the support.  
Damian wanted love, so he poured his heart out to the kid.  
Jason wanted someone to understand him, so he fucking did his best.  
Bruce needed a rock, someone who could remain emotionally grounded among it all, so that’s what Dick did, he stayed strong.  
The Team needed a leader, the Titans needed a leader, so he sucked it all up and became the leader they needed.  
The Justice League needed someone they could trust and that’s exactly what Dick proved, he was loyal, dependable, happy.  
Dick fit into so many goddamn molds that with each passing day he found himself slipping away. He had too many masks, too many requests, but Dick himself, when he looked deep down inside him knew he only had one request of himself. 

To die. 

He didn’t know what really triggered him that day. But suddenly he couldn’t smile, he couldn’t joke, everything that made him who he was...was just gone. But the saddest part was...no one noticed. No one asked, no one cared. Everyone just asked and expected him to give. The voices became muffled and blended and suddenly he couldn’t tell their words apart from the voices in his head.  
“You should just kill yourself Dick,” Artemis spat.  
“I can’t trust you,” Superman scolded.  
“You’re supposed to be calm,” Bruce hissed.  
“I don’t give a fuck about you,” Jason swore.

It was like his world was spinning, everything colliding into one another. Dick couldn’t tell you how long he was in a daze, going through the motions. That was until Joker slammed his fist into his face.

Dick collided to the ground the mad clown standing above him, that sickening smile on his face, “was little birdie distracted,” he cooed. And Dick spat out the blood now filling up his mouth. While the Joker was distracted, he lunged forward, knocking out Joker’s legs. Disabling the gun, and tying the laughing clown up. “I remember when the second Robin tried to pull-” he gagged the man, if he heard him speak again he’d go mad himself. Jason grabbed his shoulder and flipped him around, “what the hell was that Goldie!” Bruce jumped from the rafter above, “get your head on straight.” That was all he said. His voice left no room for error. He sighed and left the building. His face hurt, but it was literally the first thing he’d felt in literal days. 

Before he knew it he was in the cave. Everyone glaring at him. 

“What’s happened Dick.” 

That was the question and he couldn’t help but flinch. What did...he was dissociating. To Dick’s horror, he realized he’d been dissociating for a long time. He thought about the last thing he remembered…, “how long since I went into the cave?” “Ten days,” Tim scolded, “why?” He shook his head, “it doesn’t matter... Listen I screwed up, I recognize that, Joker caught me off guard.” Silence, but it wasn’t the awkward one, it was the crushing silence that proved everyone was disappointed in his answer. Their silence was suffocating.

“I’m disappointed Dick.” 

He snapped.

“You’re disappointed? You’re disappointed! You have no idea what the hell I’ve been through Bruce! You expect me to be fucking perfect, your rock! Everyone wants something! They all need something! Hell I don’t even fucking know where I am anymore! Bruce I’ve been dissociating for ten fucking days! I don’t even know how I got here and you’re disappointed?! How do you think I feel! No one noticed that I was out of it for ten FUCKING days until the Joker punched me in the face! No one cares! No one! I only matter when something’s needed, and then I’m cast aside when people are finished. If I was gone, really gone, what would you do? Huh? You’d probably find someone else because my well being and existence means that fucking little! So don’t give me the I’m disappointed because you have no fucking clue on how disappointed I’m with the world, with you!” He turned around and stormed off, leaving the cave in a furious huff because god dammit it felt good, part of him felt like he’d made a mistake, but in the end it didn’t matter because they’d need him again, and he’d be more than happy to give. 

No one talked to him after that. The tense silence turned to indifference. And Dick felt like he could cry all over again because Bruce made his message loud and clear. He didn’t care what happened to Dick. He knew all too well that this was his family’s way of retaliation. He was pissed that they needed him, well fine, they wouldn’t need him at all. Dick went through this same stupid routine, fighting and getting beat up, fighting and getting beat up, over and over and over again. And suddenly Dick was right back where he started. The moment of clarity he had was gone and he was lost in a fog, an endless fog that would never end. 

No one noticed.  
No one cared.  
No one tried. 

The blood spilled around him, but it wasn’t from anyone else but himself. The cuts became intentional, but no one asked because no one visited, the hero world turned its back on him, and Dick couldn’t help but give up with them. He gave up on himself, but was that really new? He’d given up on himself a long time ago, this just confirmed his feelings. He felt caged, trapped, every day becoming harder and harder to exist. His life was a perfect hell, and no one was going to offer aid. 

Days turned to weeks.  
Weeks turned into months.

And Dick Grayson broke. 

He screamed and cried into nothing, punched and beat anything in his path, the loneliness consumed him, his anger being his guide, the sadness he’d built up was taking him to levels of madness he no longer could control. And no one came. He was a burning candle, burning from both ends, he was on fire and no one gave a damn. The loneliness was suffocating him, he was the villain, the villain to himself. Just like the Joker was Batman’s greatest foe, Dick Grayson’s greatest enemy was himself. The cuts became deeper and the tears became less, the hollowness became greater, and he sunk deeper and deeper into the waves of sorrow that were drowning him. 

And that led him to this moment. Standing over the rooftop, below him a river leading out to sea, the current strong enough to take him to the salty body of water where no one would find him. But would they even look? No one would think anything of it if Dick avoided contact for the rest of their lives. Because he was just a shadow now. He stood over the edge, if he died he’d die doing what he loved most, putting on a show. He exhaled and went to take that final step. 

“Dick stop.” 

The words cut through the silence in his mind, the words spoken with such a fiery passion it fueled some buried thing inside him. He didn’t turn around, just listened. 

“Dick...they messed up, they know that. And I know you, and I know you don’t want to listen. You don’t want to see the truth because deep down you know that turning around means finding healing. And you’re scared because you’ve been like this for so damn long that you don’t know if healing’s possible anymore, because it’s a new road you don’t think you can go down. Dick I want you to listen to me, out of everything I tell you. You are loved, and everyone here behind me cares, they want you in their life, they want to share your pain, laugh with you, cry with you, they need you just as much as you need them.” 

He felt suspended, his body stopping him, this was what he wanted to hear right? Then why was it so painful to listen to?

“Dick you are not alone.” 

A hand rested on his shoulder and he felt the tears well up, the pain burn in his chest. But he felt something else. Fear. Fear of what he’d become, fear for the future, fear of the recovery he’d have to take. Fear of what he was about to do. Tears rolled down his cheeks, relief flooded him and he turned around to see a face he didn’t expect to see. 

“Wally…” 

His voice cracked at the end and the tears really did begin to flow, and he hugged him, gripped his best friend for dear life, because he needed this, saints he really needed this. Wally held him back and when Dick looked up he saw them, Jason, Tim, Damian, Bruce, Cassandra, Artemis, Kaldur, Superboy, Stephenie, Barbra, Megan, he saw them. And they saw him. 

The road to recovery was never meant to be easy, it was meant to be a road of pain and realization. Dick had days where he felt like he was on top of the world. And he had days where he felt like he was ready to kill himself all over again. But true to form he got better. He no longer rammed himself into the molds of other people. But he still gave them what they needed, he gave everyone what they wanted. But it wasn’t forced anymore, it wasn’t unsatisfying. He was still him, Nightwing, Robin, Dick Grayson. He learned to be happy again, to smile again, to cry in a healthy way, to be angry without wanting to break the world, and he learned to love, but most importantly he learned how to love himself. 

He was Nightwing. He was Robin. But above all else, he was Dick Grayson. And he was okay.


End file.
